Why bathe?

So, I just made a half-hearted attempt at taking a bath.

Why half-hearted? Because I just can't buy into this "bath" crap.

To all the bath enthusiasts out there: I ain't hatin'! I guess I'm just missing the point of the whole concept. I mean, you just...lay there? In chest-deep water? And this is supposed to be, like, a relaxing, sexy-fun experience, with scented oils and bubbles? Because all I ever seem to get is a grout-y tub filled with other people's pubes, a faucet stabbing me in the back, and a couple gallons of my own filth-water to "relax" in while all the grime rises to the top. Good times!

I fondly remember taking baths as a kid, but that was more fun because I was, you know, child-sized, which is inherently more tub-friendly. Now it's like stuffing a foot with no sock into a cowboy boot -- grunting, shoving, sometimes falling over from your efforts, and eventually coming to the sad realization that you're just not going to be able to pull this off in time for the rodeo. (Where was I? Oh yeah, baths.)

Anyway, by the time I get the water to the right temperature and get situated in a comfortable position, I feel like I hit a wall. "Now what?" I think in a panic. Yes, I've got my copy of "Valley of the Dolls," but I don't want to get it all soaking wet. The mandatory Sade is cooing all sexy-like from the boombox, and I've emptied a bottle of K-Mart "bubble suds" in the tub, but I'm already out of ideas of what do to with myself. Am I supposed to, like, seductively smoke a cigarette and contemplate life while staring moodily at a candle? Make little bubbles mounds on my boobs to maintain my modesty, in the event someone comes in through the padlocked door? Masturbate?

I know I'm supposed to be enjoying this, but all I really want to do is get the hell out of there. So much planning goes into being able to STAY in the tub once you're there, but I keep finding reasons to get out. The volume's too loud, the candle's too burn-y, I've got to pee, these bubbles are giving me a UTI, I hate this song, what are you guys laughing at out there? I always need an excuse to get out of my self-imposed water jail and I'm left contemplating the appeal of the whole experience. And the thought of doing this with another person -- GOD, no! I'd sooner take a bath in a pool of urine.

In the meantime, I'll continue to take my scalding three-minute showers, and not a second longer. What can I say? That's just how I roll, yo!

P.S. There is a website devoted to bathtub artwork. Waaaht?