Road hell

Shit.

Well, sorry it's been so long, but I won't bother with all the apologizing crap. I had things to do! It's been an eventful six weeks! It...I...meh, I've already run out of steam on this rant.

Anywho!

So, I bought a bike. And what a crazy trip it's been since my whirlwind purchase took place!

Last Sunday I simply toddled up to a street vendor, mildly intoxicated from some brunchy mimosas, wildly waving a wad of cash in my sweaty fist. I demanded bike options and test drives. After testing the first bike that was tall enough in a slow, methodical circle on the sidewalk, I quickly purchased it and began my trek home. (Yes, I only tried out one bike, then bought it immediately. I'm a rube, what can I say?)

It immediately became clear that I'm going to have to be become much more of a badass if I'm going to ride a bike in this city. Simply put, I'm a bit of a pansy, a wuss, a child without a pacifier. There's really no denying it: I didn't even make it all the way home. I was seriously purple-in-the-face halfway through my first ride, so out of breath that I just coasted over to the nearest subway stop and started climbing the stairs. It was a fluid, instinctual motion -- coast, stairs, mournful acknowledgment of failure.

However, I didn't allow my first shameful bike ride keep me benched. The idea of taking a leisurely bike jaunt was just too appealing -- riding on seldom used streets, enjoying the scenery and quickly escaping all the looky-loos that love to make squelchy kissy noises as I walk by.

Well, that hasn't quite happened yet. In reality, the actual experience has been more akin to the scene in Clueless where Dionne, Cher and Murray accidentally get on the freeway. Except, it's not the freeway, it's a busy Brooklyn street. And I'm not in the safety of a car, I'm just screaming into the wind, on a bike, four inches from passing cars, by myself, while my heart beats at the rate of a small, defenseless squirrel cornered by an angry mongoose. I might also add that I sweat like it's going out of style, so I'm completely drenched once I reach my destination. If nothing else, it keeps all the holler-ers off my ass!

However, hooray for not taking the bus, though! I'll get used to this bike thing -- I've just got to get a helmet and lose that horrible fear that I'll be picked off any moment now. Insurance be damned!